Movie Critics Suck

Movie critics suck.

It seems like every time a new movie is coming out that I want to see, a movie critic pans it. Then I go see it, and I invariably like it.

Why does this happen? It's either:

a.) The low expectations set by the movie critics causes the movie to otherwise exceed my then set low expecatations.

or,

b.) I know my tastes, and have a well-developed sense of what I like in a movie,

or,

c.) Movie critics suck something awful.

I don't think it's a.), though, because I have seen plenty of movies for which I have never read a critic's review, but still enjoyed it.

I think b.) is true, but it doesn't account for critics NOT liking the movies that I generally like.

Which leads us to c.).

Movie critics suck. They, in no way, provide any insight as to whether or not I should go see a movie. They perhaps have some insight into whether a movie will win some kind of award, but that's only because it is buttplugs like them that determine who will win said awards, anyway. It seems to me that movie critics should be required to be IN the demographic for which a movie is targeted to be allowed to provide a review. What the hell does a man (or woman) in his (or her, respectively) mid-50s or early 60s know about what's funny to a guy in his mid-20s (actually... this week I decidedly crossed into my late-20s)?

Let me give a couple examples from our critic friends at rottentomatoes.com:

South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut - "80 minutes of this boring animated comedy/musical feels so long that it will seriously test any moviegoer's patience!" - I know I had a hard time sitting through it... 3 times in the theatre and roughly 10 times on DVD.

Super Troopers - "A more-miss-than-hit affair, Super Troopers will most likely appeal to those looking for something silly." - Truly profound. And here I thought they were trying to make something to compete with "The English Patient." My bad.

Clerks - "Amateurishly acted, clumsily edited and slapped together out of what looks like surveillance camera footage, the thing bumps along not so much on talent as on audacity." - It's no George Lucas film, that's true. You got all your facts right, but your conclusion was all wrong. I give you an A for effort, but I hope you die in a horrible car accident for your ignorance.

Transformers - "Believable characters are hard to come by in this action-packed film." - You had a hard time coming up with believable characters in a movie about self-aware robots from outer space? I think you missed the point.

Movie critics... ... another worthless product of the media.